Ferber or Focker?

So last night I was reading What to Expect the First Year and of course I'm skipping all the shit that tells you to buy organic fruit, lead paint warning, and don't let them eat dirt, (I mean why not I'm sure we all ate dirt at some point and survived). I appreciate their efforts, but I know I don't need to give my child alcohol. I think they should have titled this book, What to Expect the First Year for Dummies. I mean what did our parents do before there was What to expect the First Year? I LOVE the folks who wrote this book, but some of this crap is just put in there to scare the crap out of parents. Like for example, test the sand in the sand box, any sandbox, before allowing your child to play in it. If you make a pile and it forms a cloud, run, run for the hills, return the sand, it could harm your child. Did you read correctly, return the sand. Can you even do that? You can also test by putting the sand in water......it you stir and when the sand settles inspect the water. Is is cloudy? If so, return the sand. Sheesh, whatever happened to just letting your kids play in the dirt, eat the dirt, chew on the furniture, play with the dog toys........I've got news for these folks writing these parenting books. Parents be tired....if Sadie M wants to chews on the dogs rope and it keeps her occupied for more than 5 minutes, looks like we have a new toy. I, of course, will wash it, but I'm not going to tell the dogs they can't chew on it too. Learning to share is an important life lesson and let's get real, they lick her in the face. I can't stop it. Bailey is a licker, and Sadie Marie is just the right height in her bouncy seat.

OK, so maybe I'm exaggerating a little. I don't think I would let her chew on a dog toy but you get my point. I do not plan on taking a little bottle of water with me to every sandbox she plays in to test it before hand. I can see it now, "Excuse me, I have an announcement to make. You should all remove your kids from this sandbox. It's contaminated. Also, we need to call the city and return the sand." Now in Virginia, folks would probably grab their kids and run. In Alabama, I would be a crazy person. I'm just saying there's a difference in parenting culture.

Moving on to the real point of this blog. Ferber vs. Focker. I mean we have all heard of the Ferber method. Letting the child cry it out and soothe themself and I have been waiting for the day, What to Expect the First Year, gave me the green light to implement said method. I NEED to sleep and while I don't require much it's a problem when your child wakes up every 30 minutes wanting her pacifier and so last night I went Ferber on her ass. I'm already well aware my child is stubborn as an ox and but everytime I try something new, I hold on to some hope this one might be easy. NOPE.

She cried for an hour, took a break, and cried for 30 more minutes. It was the longest hour of my life, but we got through it and she finally went back to sleep on her own at 1230 AM. Please let me mention I never got to sleep after I laid her down at 830, so I'm just watching Bride Wars, watching and listening to her cry, wondering if Kate Hudson makes her self throw up to stay so skinny after two kids.

I have a video monitor (I think she knows I'm watching because she will stare into the camera with her demon like night vision eyes sometimes and NOT blink. It's actually quite creepy) so I had turned the volume down because I can hear her through the walls, but I was watching. I have never seen a child thrash about in such a manor, I'm surprised she has any hair left on the back of her head and at one point she had her pacifier in her hand waving it in defiance, then she flung it across the crib. Well done, Sadie M, I'm still not putting it back in your mouth, you should have done that.

Before you judge, understand I did not just abandon my poor crying child so I could sleep. I did get up in intervals to go an "soothe" her as they call it. First it was after 5 mintues......I went in, she did not care to see me, she's used to getting that pacifier......I abstaned and went back to my room. Ten minutes go by, I went back in sang her the Sadie M song, told her I loved her, and went back to bed. Fifteen minutes later.......rubbed her back, changed her outfit, because she had make herself sick and spit up everywhere, and put her back down. NO PACIFIER. Twenty minutes later......silence. I could not believe it. She was just laying there talking to herself probably wishing she was watching Bride Wars with me, and then after what I thought was 20 minutes of silence that would lead to sleep, crying commenced again. However, this time, I went in and turned her mobile on, didn't seem to work at first but after it was on a bit she quieted down, and FINALLY went to sleep after it cut off, so by this time is 1230 AM. I'm on my second round of Bride Wars and I'm questioning my sanity, but she was alseep so I went to sleep.

Now, y'all might think this is a little harsh, I mean we had been using the Focker method, with a double dose of Focker. I mean we loved and showered our child with the pacifier every single time she woke up. Every thirty minutes, every hour, whenever she needed because What to Expect said she was too young before now.......I realized today that I had decided her sleep is more important than my sleep and that is WRONG. She gets a 3 hour nap. I don't get no stinking nap, I would love a nap but working adults get zero nap time and we have to work. So while sleeping when she sleeps was great when I was on maternity leave, that shit is not going to fly anymore and so while last night was rough, trust me I did not love watching her lay there and cry, everything I have read and everyone I have talked to say now is the time to break her of the pacifier dependence. I mean it is NOT cute to see a three year old with a pacifier and let's get real, I be hating on those MTV teen moms who are still letting their two year old run around with a pacifier SO, in order to not be the hypocrite y'all know and love. I'm breaking the habit now so she will still love me in the morning since her little mind cannot form long terms memories yet :) Plus, What to Expect said it was OK.

Now, I have also realized I am making fun of a book I'm relying on, but hey it's what I do. Some of the tips and advice is good stuff, but of course they have to dumb it down for those idiots who really don't know what to expect and I don't want to try to tell anyone which parenting method is right for them. Just choose what works for you and don't apologize for it. Ferber or Fockerize them, it's your kid. Trust me I have learned you gotta do what you gotta do to get through the day and night. It's different for eveyone, so don't judge me but be aware I WILL judge you say when I see your two year old throwing apples at you in the grocery store because you won't give him is pacifier and you do nothing, I think you are raising a small crazy person to let them think it's OK to act that way because I think discipline is NECESSARY, but it's your kid, so you can rest assured I won't tell you what I think, I will just watch with judging eyes. You should also know and brace yourself for when you see my daughter is doing the same thing, I will politely walk her car and whip her little hiney when we get there because you can't whip kids in the produce section anymore. It's not sanitary.

I love my daughter and while I'm sure some whippings are in her future, she'll survive. I certainly care enough to write this blog so when she's my age I can break out a scrap book, and then she will understand why her daugther is also NOT a sleeper, payback is a bitch even when it comes in a very cute, tiny, package. :) She makes me earn my parent badge every day and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Y'all be good, love y'all. Enjoy some new pictures of my little nugget below!

April