Ferber or Focker?

So last night I was reading What to Expect the First Year and of course I'm skipping all the shit that tells you to buy organic fruit, lead paint warning, and don't let them eat dirt, (I mean why not I'm sure we all ate dirt at some point and survived). I appreciate their efforts, but I know I don't need to give my child alcohol. I think they should have titled this book, What to Expect the First Year for Dummies. I mean what did our parents do before there was What to expect the First Year? I LOVE the folks who wrote this book, but some of this crap is just put in there to scare the crap out of parents. Like for example, test the sand in the sand box, any sandbox, before allowing your child to play in it. If you make a pile and it forms a cloud, run, run for the hills, return the sand, it could harm your child. Did you read correctly, return the sand. Can you even do that? You can also test by putting the sand in water......it you stir and when the sand settles inspect the water. Is is cloudy? If so, return the sand. Sheesh, whatever happened to just letting your kids play in the dirt, eat the dirt, chew on the furniture, play with the dog toys........I've got news for these folks writing these parenting books. Parents be tired....if Sadie M wants to chews on the dogs rope and it keeps her occupied for more than 5 minutes, looks like we have a new toy. I, of course, will wash it, but I'm not going to tell the dogs they can't chew on it too. Learning to share is an important life lesson and let's get real, they lick her in the face. I can't stop it. Bailey is a licker, and Sadie Marie is just the right height in her bouncy seat.

OK, so maybe I'm exaggerating a little. I don't think I would let her chew on a dog toy but you get my point. I do not plan on taking a little bottle of water with me to every sandbox she plays in to test it before hand. I can see it now, "Excuse me, I have an announcement to make. You should all remove your kids from this sandbox. It's contaminated. Also, we need to call the city and return the sand." Now in Virginia, folks would probably grab their kids and run. In Alabama, I would be a crazy person. I'm just saying there's a difference in parenting culture.

Moving on to the real point of this blog. Ferber vs. Focker. I mean we have all heard of the Ferber method. Letting the child cry it out and soothe themself and I have been waiting for the day, What to Expect the First Year, gave me the green light to implement said method. I NEED to sleep and while I don't require much it's a problem when your child wakes up every 30 minutes wanting her pacifier and so last night I went Ferber on her ass. I'm already well aware my child is stubborn as an ox and but everytime I try something new, I hold on to some hope this one might be easy. NOPE.

She cried for an hour, took a break, and cried for 30 more minutes. It was the longest hour of my life, but we got through it and she finally went back to sleep on her own at 1230 AM. Please let me mention I never got to sleep after I laid her down at 830, so I'm just watching Bride Wars, watching and listening to her cry, wondering if Kate Hudson makes her self throw up to stay so skinny after two kids.

I have a video monitor (I think she knows I'm watching because she will stare into the camera with her demon like night vision eyes sometimes and NOT blink. It's actually quite creepy) so I had turned the volume down because I can hear her through the walls, but I was watching. I have never seen a child thrash about in such a manor, I'm surprised she has any hair left on the back of her head and at one point she had her pacifier in her hand waving it in defiance, then she flung it across the crib. Well done, Sadie M, I'm still not putting it back in your mouth, you should have done that.

Before you judge, understand I did not just abandon my poor crying child so I could sleep. I did get up in intervals to go an "soothe" her as they call it. First it was after 5 mintues......I went in, she did not care to see me, she's used to getting that pacifier......I abstaned and went back to my room. Ten minutes go by, I went back in sang her the Sadie M song, told her I loved her, and went back to bed. Fifteen minutes later.......rubbed her back, changed her outfit, because she had make herself sick and spit up everywhere, and put her back down. NO PACIFIER. Twenty minutes later......silence. I could not believe it. She was just laying there talking to herself probably wishing she was watching Bride Wars with me, and then after what I thought was 20 minutes of silence that would lead to sleep, crying commenced again. However, this time, I went in and turned her mobile on, didn't seem to work at first but after it was on a bit she quieted down, and FINALLY went to sleep after it cut off, so by this time is 1230 AM. I'm on my second round of Bride Wars and I'm questioning my sanity, but she was alseep so I went to sleep.

Now, y'all might think this is a little harsh, I mean we had been using the Focker method, with a double dose of Focker. I mean we loved and showered our child with the pacifier every single time she woke up. Every thirty minutes, every hour, whenever she needed because What to Expect said she was too young before now.......I realized today that I had decided her sleep is more important than my sleep and that is WRONG. She gets a 3 hour nap. I don't get no stinking nap, I would love a nap but working adults get zero nap time and we have to work. So while sleeping when she sleeps was great when I was on maternity leave, that shit is not going to fly anymore and so while last night was rough, trust me I did not love watching her lay there and cry, everything I have read and everyone I have talked to say now is the time to break her of the pacifier dependence. I mean it is NOT cute to see a three year old with a pacifier and let's get real, I be hating on those MTV teen moms who are still letting their two year old run around with a pacifier SO, in order to not be the hypocrite y'all know and love. I'm breaking the habit now so she will still love me in the morning since her little mind cannot form long terms memories yet :) Plus, What to Expect said it was OK.

Now, I have also realized I am making fun of a book I'm relying on, but hey it's what I do. Some of the tips and advice is good stuff, but of course they have to dumb it down for those idiots who really don't know what to expect and I don't want to try to tell anyone which parenting method is right for them. Just choose what works for you and don't apologize for it. Ferber or Fockerize them, it's your kid. Trust me I have learned you gotta do what you gotta do to get through the day and night. It's different for eveyone, so don't judge me but be aware I WILL judge you say when I see your two year old throwing apples at you in the grocery store because you won't give him is pacifier and you do nothing, I think you are raising a small crazy person to let them think it's OK to act that way because I think discipline is NECESSARY, but it's your kid, so you can rest assured I won't tell you what I think, I will just watch with judging eyes. You should also know and brace yourself for when you see my daughter is doing the same thing, I will politely walk her car and whip her little hiney when we get there because you can't whip kids in the produce section anymore. It's not sanitary.

I love my daughter and while I'm sure some whippings are in her future, she'll survive. I certainly care enough to write this blog so when she's my age I can break out a scrap book, and then she will understand why her daugther is also NOT a sleeper, payback is a bitch even when it comes in a very cute, tiny, package. :) She makes me earn my parent badge every day and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Y'all be good, love y'all. Enjoy some new pictures of my little nugget below!

April

Having a Baby Makes You Stupid

So as I'm sure most of you know I was in the SEL the past week and a half and it was fabulous! I started this adventure with a trip to the airport and an airplane ride with Sadie Marie in tow all by myself! I have much to tell over the past week, and I want to start at the beginning but before I do, let me tell you why having a baby makes you stupid and what I am basing my diagnosis on.

1. Now that I have a  baby, I can't remember shit. Even if I write it down I sometimes forget I have a list and thus I still forget shit at the grocery store or when I'm running errands.
2. My life now revolves around feeding, pumping, and just mothering in general.

Here is the supporting documentation,
In the last week I have:
1. Locked myself out of my mother's car, at a gas station, in Selma, AL, at 9 PM at night. THEN have to call my 83 year old grandmother to come bring me the extra key. Lib showed up with her boyfriend Buford. I was dressed as a giant woopie cushion since I was on my way to a Halloween party. I got a lecture about being out after dark in Selma, and THEN she told my mom I was wrapped in a pink blanket. AWESOME.
2. The baby daddy has to travel in November. I spent 500 bucks on tickets to the Cowboys/Redskins game. He asked me if he could travel and be back on Nov 20.....I said sure. On our way to Bham the other day I realized the game was Nov 20. Awesome. He now has to change his travel.
3. I pumped about 30 bags of breastmilk and put them in the deep freeze to have when I'm here. I left the effing door open the other day and did not venture back out there until a day and a half later. Not only was ALL my breastmilk spoiled but so was ALL the food in the deep freeze. AWESOME.
3. I came to Selma for Reagan's wedding and Jules' shower. I forgot to bring a dress to wear to the shower. AWESOME. And PS.....mom does not know that yet.
4. I had no idea I was the matron of honor in my best friends wedding until we were at the rehearsal dinner. Good thing I planned the bachelorette party huh? Sheesh. I agreed to it and CLEARLY was not paying attention.
4. I'm also sure there are a few other things I have of course forgotten........

Having a baby makes you or at least ME..........STU-PID.

Let's move on.......I will start from the beginning of the trip. I can't make this shit up.

Traffic in Northern VA is a BIATCH! We left for the airport (that is 60 miles away) at 10 AM and we arrived at 12 noon. Perfect at least I was smart enough to know that shit was gonna be jacked up even in the middle of the freaking day. Don't folks be working?!? Guess not, they were all on the road with me having wrecks and causing congestion. Anyway, we arrived at the airport via the Gilbert Express (Thanks Michelle for taking us!!) and it was official. I was attempting to take Sadie Marie on her first plane ride ALL ALONE. The baby daddy had to work until the next Thursday so it was do or die. I remember to put on my big girl panties that morning so we took a picture and captured the moment.

I purchased a used stroller just for this occassion because them folks be throwing your shit around under the plane and I was not interested in them tearing up my 200 dollar stroller so this one was perfect. I didn't worry about it getting roughed up and it let all the way back so she could sleep (wishful thinking). We strapped her in and headed for the terminal. Checking in was pretty easy. I drove the stroller with one and and pulled my bag with the other. I remembered Sadie M's birth certificate and we were on our way to security. I know folks be cringing when they see a stroller and packed full of this in the security line and I must say I was slow as molasses but I have a new found respect for folks who travel with kids. It SUCKS. I was scared to take my eyes off Sadie M, so luckily a nice gentleman behind me (who I'm sure was in a hurry) helped me get the stroller through security. I was trying to explain to them I had breastmilk and homemade baby food.......I totally got the brushoff......"They know what it is, they see it all the time". Great I also had some ice, anthrax, and drano in there. They did not even open my cooler!! I was pleased it was quick and worried it was quick all at the same time. Thank goodness I'm not a terrorist......if they every catch on that babies get special treatment, they gonna be recruiting toddlers.

I got through security and went to the "family restroom" to change her diaper. I have no idea what made this bathroom "family" but they didn't even have a freaking changing table......really?!? It was big enough for me to fit my whole family but I had to lay the stroller back and change her in there. Awesome. At least she didn't pee on me. So then on to McDonalds for a bit to eat and Sadie M watched the planes out the window while I ate. Then I fed her some pumpkin and squash (cold mind you) and we got on the plane. Now you KNOW these two folks probably wanted to exit the plane when I squeezed in between them but I didn't care I wanted to be close to the front of the plane. We said our pleasantries and I settled in with a VERY awake baby.

I started rocking......rocking.....rocking....and BOOM. She was asleep before we took off and slept the first hour of the flight while I chatted about Bama football. She woke up for about 30 minutes, realized I was still sitting next to the dude with a unibrow, and after she started at him for 15 minutes she was back out all the way until we touched down!! I could not believe it. It could not have gone better if I had given her benedryl! She got a littl fussy waiting for our luggage but hey, I was fussy by then too!

Of course Bush Hog had family fun day that next Saturday and Cunnie wanted to show off Sadie Marie so we packed our shit up and went. Angie brought Elsie and it was a family affair. Sadie Marie got drug all over the place and rode the train. Now Elsie LOVED the train, but some old MAN made Elsie wait because it could only hold so much weight. WHO DOES THAT. Only in Selma Alabama.

On to more adventures in the SEL. So we are eating all kinds of solids now, to include some cake icing via Michelle McKey yesterday at Reagan's wedding! Well with the intro of solids comes bigger and stinker poops. Now I don't know how many of y'all have actually watched another human being poop, but I was not a member of that club until about Tuesday this past week. I don't mean watching someone poop on a toilet either.

Last week I was changing a small poopy diaper and then it just started coming out like a snake. It was the most disgusting thing I have even seen or smelt. Sweet potatoes and pumpkin do not smell good on the other end of a 5 month old. Sadie M had both feet in her hands and was squealing with delight, she had clearly been working this poop up and was just waiting to release it on her loving mother....I then thought she was done waited a few seconds, put a new diaper under her, and BOOM more doodoo. It was the biggest dump I have ever seen from a baby. I bet it weighed as much as she did. She also did the same thing to my mom later that week. Then she went three days without pooping. On the way home she blew her diaper up like those huggies babies do to the whomp there it is song and I immediately stuck my finger in it when removing the diaper.......it was coming out the top and I was clearly not prepared for that in the starbucks parking lot that was doubling as a family restroom.

I went to Birmingham for Reagan's wedding on Friday night and had a blast. If y'all want to take pictures and get shit done, just give Kevin McKey a fart machine. We tried to take a picture of the bridesmaids for about an hour. Between the little bit of booze we had and that fart machine I almost peed in my pants.....twice. The next day was good, bridezilla showed up and I almost had to break my matron of honor heel off in one of the caterer's asses, but we got Meagan married off and ate a caramel apple. YUM. Sadie Marie also got her first taste of wedding cake. (Thanks Michelle M!) WE took photos for what seemed like 15 hours and I almost busted my ass falling off a hay bale taking said pictures.

It was fun though, we survived and luckily we had Cunnie, Lib, and the baby daddy in tow to help with Sadie M. Yep, it takes all 4 of us to take care of her. Y'all probably wonder how I do it when I'm home alone, well your guess is as good as mine.......I guess it's because I have Auntie JuJu and Uncle John Rob and the baby daddy in VA. Yep, it takes all 4 of us to take care of her in VA. SHIV........I need a nanny.

Anyway, we then we to Auntie JuJu's shower and we took Sadie M and Angie is brought my little cousin Elsie. We took some good pictures of Sadie M in her Halloween Costume and then we took her 5 month pictures. Here they are!

My sweet little duckie before she went to sleep. She had puked on EVERYONE earlier so she was zonked.

The cutest little Minnie Mouse EVER. Elsie and Cunnie

This is Elsie and My Aunt Peggy. It's seriously takes a posse to take care of our kids.

CANNOT believe it's been 5 months!

Happy Halloween!!