We went to the beach for my birthday and good lawd it was fun and intense all at the same time. Being in a condo with eight other folks means you family. Being there with a one year old. Priceless. It was a good time though. Here are a few things that made me laugh.
After six hours in the car, four stops, and a diaper blowout we finally arrive at the SunSwept Condominium that will be our home for the next seven days. The baby daddy and I have arrived early as we have more shit than anyone else to unload. We get a cart for luggage and a Winn Dixie buggy (because that is what they had all lined up outside with notes on them asking you not to take them into your room.....OK WTF. I will take this damn cart back to VA with me if I want to. You stole it from the Winn Dixie across the street so don't be acting like you have the rights to it Sunswept. I will push all the buggies back over to Winn Dixie and then you will have to buy luggage carts. BOOM.) We kept a cart for about eight hours on principle.
The first sign that this was going to be fun was getting on the elevator of doom. First it was 100 degrees outside and a cool 1000 degrees inside the elevator with a humidity level of hot sick. Everything I had was stuck to something else and Sadie Marie was stuck to me. After the doors closed we waited for the thing to go up and I swear it felt like old man river was in a booth outside using the pulley system from National Treasure movie to lift us all to the 8th floor. I have been to the top of the Sears building in Chicago and I have NEVER been so scared in an elevator. We went past our floor (which was the top floor mind you) and then sank back down a little, then plopped to a stop at 8....which flickered to the number 12 and then settled on 8. I'm just wondering if there used to be 12 floors and we lost 4 to Ivan. I seriously considered taking the stairs the rest of the time but I'm lazy and I was on vacation. Death or stairs in 100 degree heat and humidity......I'll take death.
Now, after we arrived we had to decide which room we wanted because we be having the nugget and she's at the age where if you wake her up and she know's you are having fun without her you can forget it. She's getting up and she's going to be cranky. She wants to sleep but she does not want to miss anything. Y'all should have seen the baby daddy and I going up and down the stairs, in and out of rooms, yelling at one another to see where the quietest place for her to sleep was. In the end, we got the biggest room with the nice ass shower, jacuzzi tub, balcony, and roof access. You know what we used.....the shower and the toilet. Everytime we had a down moment where we could have enjoyed some of that shit, Sadie Marie was asleep in the room and in front of the door to the roof. So we all hung out on the beach or in the condo on the first floor. It was great, don't get me wrong, but shiv it would have been nice to take a jacuzzi bath.
So after we arrived, mom and dad pull in next. We are waiting on them and here comes dad knocking on the door out of breath. I think he's coming in but I hear the baby daddy go out so I just assumed he went to help unload.....it was only later that evening that I got the full story. Cunnie and John arrive at the beach here's how it went down:
Cunnie: We are on the 8th floor.
John: How do you get there, there's not button for eight.
Cunnie: I bet since we on the top floor and all special like, you have to get off this elevator on the 7th floor and get on another one to go to the top.
John: OK
They get off the elevator on the 7th floor and cannot find another elevator (because there is NOT one) and John runs up the stairs, knocks on the door and asks Theron how to get to the 8th floor. UM, you push the little button that says "8". You know.....it comes right after 7. Good Lawd......the freaking button in the elevator was old and the white paint on the number 8 was worn off.......clearly we are at a point where they are no longer allowed to travel alone. I can only imagine what hilarity would have ensued if Airhart had not been there to push the button for them. BAHAHAHAHAHA
We went to the FloraBama for my birthday which was great. I had not been in quite a few years and Juju had never been inside so we had a blast. I will say the quote of the evening goes to Clay Moore. "April Morton was a drinker, April Airhart, eh not so much." Challenge accepted Clay. I'm 32 years old and I have a baby. Of course I can still do shots till 4 AM, what mother can't? But, of course I am still a Morton and as I said....challenge accepted.
I proceeded to do shots, drink beers, and red bull and vodka like I was 21 and at spring break in 2001 and..... so did the baby daddy. He paid more dearly for it than I did because even if I don't party like it's 2001 and my last name is still Morton-Airhart, it's like riding a bike.......you don't ever forget. and I'm not dumb, I know I'm old so I took 2000 MG of tylenol before I went to bed and ate two pieces of bread. 60% of the time it works every time. (because you only remember to do it 60% of the time...your drunk remember.)
On to more fun times. Sadie Marie did two face plants......one on the beach and one on the tile floor. BOTH were tramautic for us at least. She was still just learning to walk and of course a little wobbly so we were all watching her like hawks but that did not stop the nugget from face planting directly in the sand. I poured ice cold water over her face to get the sand off before she could rub her eyes and Theron then ran her to the shower........why neither of us ran to the ocean is beyond me. A bazillion gallons of water 20 yards from us and I choose water straight out of the cooler to dump over my childs head and a 50 yard run to the shower. FAIL.
The rest of the time was pretty relaxing and uneventful. We are all getting old. All this being said, it was a REALLY nice condo......even the note from the owner asked us to take not of how nice her condo was. She let us know that personal reasons now required her to rent it out but we should be able to tell it was not a normal rental.....what kind of personal reasons? Did you lose all your money when your dog fighting ring got busted? Did some steal your identity and buy a bunch of shit on your visa? You are going to have to give me more than that if you want me to feel sorry for you. If she wanted me to think her condo was nice she should have left some TP in the bathrooms. That would have been nice. I guess the light up marlin statue on her end table or mabye the wall to wall mirror action in EVERY room was what she considered nicer than other rentals. I happen to like beachy beach condos just fine. Coral on coral suites the beach.
I will say the floors and furniture were super nice. There was enough furniture in the 900 SQ Ft downstairs area to furnish Buckingham Palace. The baby daddy immediately went into Army mode and moved everything to open it up. I had three foot stools in our closet stacked to the ceiling. Apparently this happens alot in this condo because my contract specifically said all furniture had to be moved back the way we found it. SHIT....did anyone take a picture?
She was lucky it was not me and my friends at 25 renting her condo, that note would have only fueled the drunken fire that might have lead to someone shooting fireworks out of her bedroom window or drawing all over her mirrors with car chalk.
So after returning from the beach I spent a fun filled week in the SEL working. I did spend a night with Reagan and Matt up in the Odenville where I had some squash that changed my life and then we also got to spend a night with Angie, Elsie and Gary in Wetumpka where we discovered baby pools can be fun for babies and adults when it's hot and you have cold beer. What's not fun is when your nugget discovers the tower of water spraying fun and when Uncle Gary goes to put you back in the baby pool he hesitates because he smells a rat.......or is it doodoo? Yeah, it's doodoo.
Baby pools are fun when you are in the pool and CiCi is not when a blowout occurs. She re-emerged 15 minutes later with a dry nugget and a beach towel. She was sweating and informed us all the towel needed to washed or burned.
Here are some beach pictures....if you saw them on facebook. Look at them again, they are good.
I miss Alabama/Hate VA for a number of reasons.....here are my top 10
10. When you call a plumber in Alabama they don't charge you 80.00 just to come show you you need to open shut off the valves underneath the sink all the way. They laugh at you and get in their truck and leave.
9. When someone says it's hot in Alabama they mean you need to go get your shit out your car because it's going to melt.
8. HOA's do not exist and if they do they make sense. You don't pay a 1200.00/ year HOA fee and then have to pay to use all the shit your HOA fees pay for.....like the POOL. $125.00 for a family pool pass. WTF.
7. Folks be RUDE up here, it's every man for themselves, survival of the fittest. Good thing I'm in that group but jeez. Sometimes I just want folks to be nice and let me go first because I'm a girl.
6. Everything takes two hours. Go to the grocery store.....2 hours. Run to get gas.....2 hours. Take a poop.......2 hours. NOTHING is fast or easy. I feel like I'm moving when I take Sadie Marie out to go get diapers because I could very well have to spend the night in Target.
5. The beaches are WAY crowded. You think OBA was crowded for the 4th. You are wrong my friend. Everyone at OBA had a little piece of beach real estate....in fact we had two. One under the canopy and one down by the water. You can turn around at VA beach and be talking to somone in the party beside you without even knowing it.
4. Rush. Hour. Traffic. in northern VA will make you want to keel someone or yourself. Daily.
3. John Robert and Juju are probably leaving soon. BOOOOO but yay at the same time.
2. The nugget MUST have a southern accent and learn all our clever southern girl ways. Like how to clean a deer or how to pee on the side of a dirt road without getting your pants and shoes wet.
1. I really miss my family. I have traveled the world and sometimes there's no place like home.
Y'all be good!
April
